Fee, Fi, Fo, Fum;
or, Why Banshee's Going to Hellllll!

I gotta learn Aramaic. Hebrew, too.

(No, that's not why I'm going to Hell. That comes later.)

See, I was over at Catholic Answers reading some of their pamphlets on the Sacraments. And in the one on "Christ in the Eucharist", they included an interesting little tidbit.

As Fr. John A. O’Brien explains, "The phrase ‘to eat the flesh and drink the blood,’ when used figuratively among the Jews, as among the Arabs of today, meant to inflict upon a person some serious injury, especially by calumny or by false accusation. To interpret the phrase figuratively then would be to make our Lord promise life everlasting to the culprit for slandering and hating him, which would reduce the whole passage to utter nonsense" (O’Brien, The Faith of Millions, 215). For an example of this use, see Micah 3:3.

So I was thinking about this, and about how Jesus' "hard saying" would have sounded to his original audience at first hearing, and -- well, here's why I'm going to Hell.

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CROWD GUY: Look, there's Jesus!

CROWD LADY: He just multiplied the loaves and fishes and gave us all lunch! If we follow him, I bet he'll multiply some steaks for dinner!

(CROWD rushes to shore, sits down nonchalantly. JESUS and his disciples come to shore in boat.)

CROWD GUY: Hey, Teach. When'd you get here?

JESUS (anime sweatdrops of embarrassment): Oh, come on, people. Where's your pride? You're not even here because I gave you signs; you're here for the free food and the full bellies.

CROWD LADY: And? So what's your point?

JESUS (slaps forehead): Ah, come on! Don't work for food that rots and goes stale. Go for the food that lasts forever, which the Son of Man will give you. For on him the Father, God, has set His seal.

CROWD GUY: Well, aren't we all third person all of a sudden.

CROWD LADY: (smacks CROWD GUY) Shut up! I wanna hear about the free food!

(recovers herself, smiles and asks JESUS) So, um, what kind of work do we have to do to get this food -- I mean, to get God's work done?

JESUS: Believe in the one God sent. And that would be Me.

CROWD GUY: Oh, yeah? And what kind of signs are you gonna do for us so we can believe? It's been a long time since lunch. What have you done for us lately?

CROWD LADY: Our ancestors ate manna in the desert. I bet you can manage a kosher Burger King. (bats her eyes) Or at least a nice bagel place. It's written that "He gave them bread from heaven to eat." Moses did good signs.

JESUS: Amen, amen, I say to you, it was not Moses who gave the bread from heaven; my Father gives you the true bread from heaven. For the bread of God is that which comes down from heaven and gives life to the world.

CROWD GUY: Then give us some already!

CROWD LADY (smacks CROWD GUY again, smiles at JESUS): Sir, give us this bread always.

JESUS: I am the bread of life; whoever comes to Me will never hunger, and whoever believes in Me will never thirst.

CROWD GUY: Awesome! Free food forever! And beer!

CROWD LADY (whispers to herself): There's gotta be a catch.

JESUS: But I told you that although you have seen, you do not believe.

CROWD GUY (looking at CROWD LADY): Whoa! That was eerie.

JESUS: Everything that the Father gives Me will come to Me, and I will not reject anyone who comes to Me, because I came down from heaven not to do My own will but the will of the One who sent Me. And this is the will of the One who sent Me -- that I should not lose anything of what he gave Me, but that I should raise it on the last day.

(Murmuring starts in the CROWD)

OTHER CROWD GUYS: I hear talk about free food, but my tummy's still rumblin'!

JESUS: (raises his voice and talks louder) For this is the will of My Father, that everyone who sees the Son and believes in Him may have eternal life, and I shall raise him on the last day.

OTHER CROWD LADIES: And what's all this "bread come down from heaven" crap? This is Jesus, and Joseph is his father. Well, not literally, of course. He's lucky Joseph even married his mother, all things considered, 'cause that Mary must've run into somebody who sure wasn't from heaven. I mean, Jesus and Joseph don't look a thing alike, and....

JESUS: WILL YOU SHUT THE FREAK UP!? I'm saying something important! Don't you want to live forever?

(Silence falls.)

JESUS: Ahem. As I was saying... No one can come to Me unless the Father who sent Me draw him, and I will raise him on the last day. It is written in the prophets: 'They shall all be taught by God.' Everyone who listens to My Father and learns from Him comes to Me. Not that anyone has seen the Father except the one who is from God; He has seen the Father. Amen, amen, I say to you, whoever believes has eternal life.

CROWD GUY: Cool! That's easy!

(CROWD GUY and CROWD LADY do happy dance)

JESUS: Heh. Let's see how you feel in another minute.

(CROWD GUY and CROWD LADY look worried.)

JESUS: I am the bread of life.

(CROWD makes confused "Wha?" sounds)

JESUS: Your ancestors ate the manna in the desert, but they died; this is the bread that comes down from heaven so that one may eat it and not die.

CROWD GUY: Eat? But if you're the bread....

CROWD LADY (looking worried): Tell me that's not what he said.

OTHER CROWD GUYS: What a sicko!

CROWD GUY (yelling) Shut up!

JESUS: Okay, let's summarize. I am the living bread that came down from heaven; whoever eats this bread will live forever; and the bread that I will give is My flesh for the life of the world.

OTHER CROWD LADIES (confused): How the flip can he give us his flesh to eat? That's not kosher!

OTHER CROWD GUYS (confused): Eat his flesh? He wants us to treat him like sh*t and tell lies about him?

JESUS (under his breath): Well, you will, but that's not what I mean.

(raising his voice) Amen, amen, I say to you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink His blood, you do not have life within you. Whoever eats My flesh and drinks My blood has eternal life, and I will raise him on the last day. This is a signed guarantee from the manufacturer.

OTHER CROWD GUYS (still confused): Or maybe he wants us to tell him to eat sh*t and die...man, this is so confusing! I'm starting to really worry about what he meant by "living waters"....

CROWD LADY (to JESUS): But you mean all that symbolically, right? But not in a "treat you like sh*t" sort of figurative way, or an "I'll grind your bones to make my bread" sort of way, but in some figurative way that is just way too deep and probably has something to do with sex. (bats eyes at him) You really do look yummy.

JESUS (smacks forehead again): My flesh is real food, and My blood is real drink! Whoever eats My flesh and drinks My blood remains in Me and I in him. Just as the living Father sent Me and I have life because of the Father, so also the one who feeds on Me will have life because of Me. (points at CROWD LADY) And no, this is not about sex. Get your mind out of the gutter.

CROWD LADY: Then what the frick are you talking about?!

OTHER DISCIPLES: Nobody has the power to give eternal life except God! How can eternal life come to someone because of you, Jesus?! I mean, yeah, you're the Messiah, but there's a limit....

JESUS: I said it before, but I'll recap ONE MORE TIME. (points to self) This is the bread that came down from heaven. Unlike your ancestors who ate and still died, whoever eats this bread will live forever. Capish?

OTHER DISCIPLES: You're saying you can give people eternal life and advocating cannibalism?! Aw, man, this is such a Jim Jones moment....

JESUS: Does this shock you? (rolls eyes) What if you were to see the Son of Man ascending to where he was before? You'd really lose it, then! Look. It is the breath that gives life, while just plain bodies on a slab can't do anything. The words I have spoken to you are the freakin' breath of life. Pure oxygen. Breathe it in, folks.

CROWD LADY: I still don't get it.

CROWD GUY: Maybe it's a prophecy or something, and we should just wait and see what it means.

CROWD LADY: Maybe....

JESUS: But there are some of you who do not believe. (Looks right at the OTHER DISCIPLES.) This is the very reason why I just told you that no one can come to Me unless it is granted him by My Father. So leave now or forever hold your peace.

OTHER DISCIPLES: Fine! We will! And everybody else better leave, too, before this turns into the freakin' Donner Party! Eat this bread, my ass....

(OTHER DISCIPLES and CROWD traipse off in high dudgeon. Only JESUS, the TWELVE, a small knot of DISCIPLES, and the CROWD GUY and CROWD LADY remain. They look a bit lonely.)

JESUS (turns to the TWELVE): So. Are you leaving, too?

SIMON PETER: Master, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe and are convinced that you are the Holy One of God.

JESUS: I picked you guys well.

(TWELVE smile.)

JESUS: But one of you is a devil.

(TWELVE stop smiling.)

JESUS: Man, My life stinks. Oh, well, let's go travel around some more.

CROWD GUY: Um. Sir....

JESUS: So what do you want?

CROWD LADY: We haven't got the slightest clue why, because what you just said was kinda scary, but...we'd kinda like to stick around. Just to see what happens. I mean, that whole loaves and fishes thing was pretty impressive.

JESUS: Okay. As long as you promise to keep your mind out of the gutter. You wouldn't believe the rumors already going around about me and Mary of Magdala.

CROWD GUY: As long as you promise not to eat us.

(The TWELVE glare at him.)

CROWD GUY: Heh...joke....