Depressed

The other day it was just sinus. Today I'm depressed. As usual, I set it off by stupidly thinking about my own life. If I could just ignore my own existence, I'd be a happy woman.

I recently saw a post in which someone claimed that the song "Here I Am, Lord" set people up in their own esteem. ExCUSE me? Would this be the same song that makes me feel about as low and unworthy as the ending of "Saving Private Ryan" or the Parable of the Talents? Not to be ungrateful, but God overgifts and then expects you to use them all. Personally, I agree with Mulder, who wished to be like Ahab, with a wooden leg, so nobody would expect him to make much of his life.

I think that's why martyrdom is so attractive to kids. You know you can be stubborn. You know you can stand being beaten up. You feel like crud already. Why not pray to be allowed to suffer and die for a cause, instead of on the cross of your own unworthiness
and "potential"? The thing St. Teresa de Avila doesn't say in her memoirs is that her family was of Jewish heritage, which was probably why we only hear of her playing with her brothers. If you're being persecuted by the neighbors, why not try running away from home to die with the Saracens? Heck, when I was in parochial school, it sounded like a good deal to me.

I have good hope that I won't end up in Hell. But I'd almost rather be damned than know how much God is going to be disappointed in me.

Oh, well. At least I'm in choir and filking. Those things I know I'm supposed to do.

With a Voice of Singing

Despite my depression today, choir practice last night was wonderful. We finally have a decent number of altos. (Yay!) I'm
still not really used to not being able to hear myself, and I still can't read music, and I'm still getting too far-sighted to keep an eye on the hymnal. (One of these days I've got to make the trek to an eye doctor, but I don't have the money.) But I'm doing okay, and for a first practice the choir sounded wonderful.

I wish I knew how to write out music compositions. I have a lot of good song ideas this time of year, and I would love to
write something for the choir. Something Irish would be nice, especially a translation of something from the good bits of the Middle Ages, set to my music. *sigh* Well, I'll work on it. Maybe I can get somebody to help me write it out at OVFF, or get advice there from Joe Ellis or Ed Stauff or somebody like that. I can hear the harmonies in my head, but it doesn't do me much good stuck up there.